The 10 Facebook Commandments.

So in the beginning of time it is said that God elicited Ten Commandments for the people of the world to follow. In his haste to finish the creation of the world in just six days, he neglected to address facebook in any of these commandments. On the road to Damascus, God appeared before me, and instructed me to devise the 10 commandments of facebook, to prevent any more souls from venturing down the path of evil. For those who have violated any of the commandments below, you need not fear, I have enlisted God's desired form of penance so that you may be cleansed of your sins. As for the serial offenders however, may God have mercy on your soul. Here they are:

Thou shalt not promote their list on facebook; doing so is of extreme annoyance to others. No one cares if it’s $12 entry on a guestlist before 10pm. Yahweh pities these lost souls. Penance: A lashing for every status posted.

Thou shalt not post ridiculously irrelevant and inane status updates.The great provider does not care if you are brushing your teeth, catching the bus or cleaning your room. Frankly, anyone who is under the illusion that other people do care about such things, is destined for mortal peril. Penance: Abstinence from facebook for 40 days and 40 nights.

Thou shalt not inundate people with page/group suggestions about their band, and send constant gig invitations. Pursuing your musical dreams is admirable, though the sanity of facebook users around the world should not be compromised as a result of this.Constant page suggestions and gig invitations do nothing to endear your band to the people; doing so is truly the work of Satan. Penance: Living in silence for one month.

Thou shalt not post about not being able to wait for the weekend, particularly on a Monday or Tuesday.The Lord God issues a memo to such posters: neither can anyone else! Every person out there is holding out for the weekend as well, so such statuses are completely redundant. Penance: Buy everyone a drink during your totally epic weekend adventures that await.

Thou shalt not request picture comments from others. The Lord God thought he had laid such blasphemy to rest when the converted moved from myspace to facebook, but there are still offenders amongst us. The fact that there are people who actually derive their happiness and contentment from picture comments is slightly disturbing. Penance: 3 hail marys and 2 our fathers.

Thou shalt not gloat about drinking ventures.‘Petty fool drank so much last night, and feels sorry for his/her liver!’. That is the sort of status that facebook users are forced to contend with.Posting such statuses may make you feel like a madcunt, but the Lord God implores you to think twice before you choose to sell your soul to the devil himself. Penance: Donate a vital organ, immediately.

Thou shalt not join or create fanpages concerning the most generic things, such as breathing, contempt for waiting in line etc. No shit youre a fan of it, which is why filling up people’s news feeds with such superfluous rubbish is pointless. Penance: partaking in a game of Russian roulette.

Thou shalt not take photos while tensing/with your top off. The lord God does not care if you’ve got heaps sick obliques from that ab king pro at home; taking such pictures is ridiculously vain, and a sure sign of severe head trauma at an early age. Penance: just end it now.

Thou shalt not upload photos of their feet in the ‘dip-dip’ position. >> http://img189.imageshack.us/i/terriblea.jpg/ >> (copy and paste for example). What is the purpose of such pictures? Is it to exult in the fact that you’re wearing shoes? Unless you’re Ethiopian, such a choice puzzles even the Lord God. Penance: immediate removal of your hair extensions.

Thou shalt lay the peace sign to rest. A disciple of Christ once employed the peace sign when photographed, and he was viewed as a visionary. Sadly, this was in the year 18 A.D, and since then the gesture has been butchered by Japanese exchange students and teeny boppers alike. The now clichéd hand gesture is no longer funny or original, and is not looked kindly upon by the king of kings. Penance: removal of the offending digits.

These are the sacrosanct rules of facebook. Observe what I command you today.


EDIT: ""THIS WEEKEND. WILL BE. AH-MAZZZZZZING! as will, basically the remainder of 09! am super excited. do have, three of the BEST WEEKS ever lined up! :DDDDDD""

- This status appeared within minutes of the proclamation of the Commandments. expect rain for the next few weeks. Sam and Tom, your arc planning may not have been in vain

My day.

I wouldnt bore anyone with the mundane, day-to-day events that constitute a fair chunk of my life, but yesterday morning was quite extraordinary. For this reason ive decided to blog about it; it should have just enough spice to keep you awake while you peruse it.

So as far as I was concerned it was to be a fairly standard day for myself; I was taking the opportunity to catch up on some sleep before I was to partake in the 'double feature' as it has come to be known. Little did I know that we actually had asbestos removers coming that very morning; so it was not a very pleasant return to reality when mum hurriedly woke me. She cited her busy schedule as the cause for her forgetting to warn me; but this was little consolation, as I hurried to grab a dressing gown while the cast from apollo 13 ascended the stairs.

So i found myself outside in underpants and a dressing gown; mum had gone off for a spot of shopping. I automatically thought to seek refuge at my nanas, who lives just two doors down the road, but heres the kicker. Nanas been planning to sell her house for a while now, and little did I know that at that very moment, it was open for public inspection. So I entered oblivious to this, and looked incredibly foolish among the appropiately dressed prospective buyers. embarrassed to say the least; my undies didnt really seem to go down a hit among the stern looking adults present. So I ended up just whiling away the hour in nanas front yard as far away from public scrutiny as possible, until the inspection finished.

i wasnt able to get back into my actual house until 3. oh and needless to say the double feature had to be postponed; what a morning.

The 11 worst songs ever made

I wrote this blog a few years ago, and after digging it up the other day I decided to revamp it a bit and throw it up in a blog. My apologies if it seems somewhat out of date.


Narrowing down the worst songs of all time to a mere eleven was possibly the hardest thing ive ever done. What, with some of Jessica Simpson's finest, along with Kevin Federline’s breakout album, I was really spoilt for choice. Lindsay Lohans various aural holocausts also came into consideration, but alas, I used some restraint and narrowed the list down to eleven. Here they are:

1. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Vertigo
It's a mix of twangy guitars, unnecessary spanish, and Bono's stupid glasses. By the way, just because a singer wears stupid goggles doesn't mean that they're suddenly cool or hip. “look! Bono the rock star is wearing Nascar goggles, let's all fellate him for being so rebellious; take that Hollywood!”

I looked around on some U2 message boards to see what the fans were saying about this song and its turgid lyrics, here's what fan member "Bob" has to say:
Vertigo actually has some seriously heavy lyric - but I bet most of mainstream radio listeners will never know what they mean - I love that! It makes me feel priviledged [sic] to know what the man has to say - there are so many invaluable messages in their albums, certainly this one will be another thought provoking and life influencing scripture.
Heress a sample of the "seriously heavy lyrics" in Vertigo:

WoooAoo! WoooAoo! WoooAoo! WoooAoo!

And who could forget this poignant verse:

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah,Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Yeah, real heavy lyrics, dipshit. When Bono's not mumbling like an idiot, he's trying to be emotional by flailing his arms in the air like he's so overcome that he can't help but bellow out a limp-dick line like "I can feeeeEEEEEEeeeeeel." God he battles.

2. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Miracle Drug
Coming in at #2 is "Miracle Drug" from the same album. When this album first came out, people wouldnt shut up about the hype that "U2 has made a triumphant return to its rock and roll roots." Triumphant? What exactly has U2 "triumphed" over? The only thing triumphant about U2 is their uncanny ability to produce the same cookie cutter sound that's slowly crippling originality and innovation on airwaves around the world. Congratulations you hacks, you ruined FM radio.
Yet another fan on a message board had this to say about "Miracle Drug:"

I think that Bono turns pop culture upside down with the line "I've had enough of romantic love."

Wow, how profound. Look out pop-culture! Bono has had enough of "romantic love." Here comes Bono and his idiotic fans to make ambiguous jabs at you.

3. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
zzZZZZZzz.... YAWN. So let me get this straight: U2's "triumphant return to its rock and roll roots" includes a teary song about cancer? frauds.

4. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Love And Peace Or Else
If there was a list of things a pacifist should never say, "or else" would probably top it. Everything about this song is stupid. Love and peace or else? Or what? What are you gonna to do about it?

5. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - City of Blinding Lights
New age mystic bullshit.

6. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - All Because Of You
This is the one song on the album that people can't come to a consensus about. Some believe its a song about life, some death, and others God. One thing I think everyone can agree on is: nobody cares.

7. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - A Man And A Woman
Great song, if you ignore the boring music and the fact that "romance" doesnt rhyme with "distance." This song exemplifies some of the problems with modern music. if a song has a "message," then it probably doesn't matter because more often than not, song writers compromise their message for the sake of making a song that sounds good, or they compromise the music for the sake of pushing their shallow agenda. U2 probably wouldnt suck so badly if they stopped preaching and started playing music instead.

8. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Crumbs From Your Table
This song is about how America and its wealthiest people dont do enough to help solve world hunger. The title suggests that crumbs from our table could help starving people in Africa. Bono indicts America for being hypocritical with these lines:
Would you deny for others
What you demand for yourself?
Bono could not be reached for comment as he was stepping off his private jet and into his limousine.

9. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - One Step Closer
This sounds like the soundtrack of a coma.

10. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Original Of The Species
I did read up on this one. It was supposedly written about the daughter of guitarist "The Edge." Yeah, that's his nickname: The Edge. I used to think names like "The Edge" or "Spike" were cool, but then I turned 12.
Anyway, this song goes down the same boring, monotonous path that every other U2 song took.

11. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Yahweh
This quote epitomizes U2s holier-than-thou attitude:
"I don't know why, but we always had this belief that there was something sacred about our music, that it was almost holy."
-Bono, pompous fuckhead and lead singer of U2

That wraps up the list of the top 11 worst songs ever made. I wanted to list a few honorable mentions, but ive just about had enough.

Astrology

So im back a lot sooner than i expected, a mere 15 minutes after i created this page. The reason for this is because I was trying to work out how to take that astrology shit off my profile, when I realised it would be remiss of me not to mention just how much I hate astrology.

Astrology is probably the biggest load of crap I have ever come across. The other day I was working at the races along side this clerk; I knew she was a bit of fruit cake going buy her neck tattoos, that she later explained were to do with tibetan karma and hope or something. Anyway, she began to subtly preach to me about my inner spiritual being and all that crap, it was actually horrifying.

So to cast all doubt aside I came home and read a couple of these horoscopes, just to see what I was missing out on. As i expected, each one of them fed you the same generic bullshit.. ie. 'you may wake up tired in the morning'.. 'you will feel happiness today'.. 'john howard will make an idiot of himself today'..

it was all 'cover your bases' rubbish, that was careful never to specify, and was general enough that it would loosely relate to anyone. It sort of reminded me of that turd John Edward who had that 'crossing over' show. he used to pretend to be able to speak to the dead.. and would spit out crap like, 'im seeing an a, no maybe thats an e, yes his or her name definitely had an a or an e in it..'

All in all, I just find it mindboggling that there are actually people out there who believe the way the stars are aligned actually has some significance. That because star A is 7.38 light years from B, that the next child to be born under Venus will be well endowed. Its ridiculous!

And dont get me started on tarot cards or any of that other rubbish, I may just vomit.

However, because Im feeling benevolent, I do have a special, once in a lifetime offer for you all! I will tell you the name of your one true love, no strings attached.
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Just 3 easy payments of 19.95!
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like i said, its all horse shit.

My very first blog.

Hello. I'm not sure if anyone will ever read my blogs, in fact they probably wont. But im still going to subconsciously imagine people are reading this when I write, even though I wont let it dictate what i blog.

So I suppose youre wondering why I made this profile. Well I enjoy writing, I enjoy ranting, I enjoy satire and I enjoy being controversial. Im not passionate about that many things, but when I come across something that really grinds my gears itll be fun to rant about it I think. Not that all my posts will be of that nature, but as a general rule im gonna try and steer away from the mundane 'this is what I did today' posts.

And just for clarification, Im not gonna be using apostrophes in here, because itll get bloody annoying if everytime I type something like im, I go back and hit shift and throw an apostrophe in there. You probably wont ever see me type in upper case either, just not a fan really.

So yeah, thats about it, stay tuned for some bad ass blogs to come, and expect the unexpected.

PS. My tagline about the lemons up there is a spin off of 'If life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold', which is an album by atmosphere in case you didnt know